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 Amidst the dank smell of rotting flesh and the flickering light of torches, I entered Gwar’s den of darkness. Bodies of the young and innocent lay in a cold heap of flesh– limp, lifeless, souless, having been used for the Scum Dogs’ personal twisted purposes. I was assured that I would be safe, and yet the knot in my stomach told me otherwise. I and my plus one were alone in this chamber of death – and anything could happen down here...absolutely no one would know. No one would hear my screams for help. Cautiously I scanned the room, taking note of the torture devices, rusty from blood and overuse, hanging on the walls. Did I remember to change my emergency contact number?
After a moment, the tour manager exited the room and I heard a booming voice from beyond the shadows.
Hello! It’s Oderus Here! And what’s your name, dear?
Lindsay, from Komodo Rock
Lindsay, you’ve got a great rack.
Thank you. I’ve never heard that from a rock star before. (Please note the sarcasm that is vital to the meaning of this response).
Well, I just wanted to get it over with, really, so we can move on to deeper matters.
What’s a deeper matter for a space monster?
Whatever’s on your question list, baby.
Okay, well how’s this tour going so far?
Oh what a terrible question to start with.
It’ll get better.
Terrible. Alright, tour’s been going great. You got an equally terrible answer (laughs). Don’t we have liquor in here?? Don’t we have booze?? THERE’S NO LIQUOR TO DRINK! THERE’S NO BEVERAGES! But still, somehow, we will do this interview. We will make it happen. Tour’s been going great. We’re actually almost done with it. Three months almost, now, that we’ve been out slogging away and I’m happy to say that the cult of Gwar is doing fine. Every year we kill just enough to satisfy our relentless thirst but leave enough out there to fuck each other and have babies and create new Gwar slaves, followers, supporters, disciples – call them what you will. And indeed, we’ve had grannies, more than a few blood soaked grannies on this tour, and I’ve fucked more than a few of them, and I’m delighted to say it was great.
So it’s completely possible for a space monster to have sex and reproduce?
OH MY GOD, OF COURSE! How do you think the human race came to be? By Oderus (me), fucking apes! I was trying to create some kind of super war ape, but instead I got you guys! Not that you, Lindsay, are all that bad. And yes, we do have sex. And it’s horrible!
It’s horrible?
Well it’s very dangerous to have sex with a Scum Dog, you know.
Why’s that?
First of all, it’s the tradition of drilling your own hole, ignoring more normal – more conventional apertures and finding release in your own explorations.
So does it work the same as us, male/female...or is it an A-sexual thing?
As my mother said before she was torn away from me and I was thrown into gladiatorial school: “As long as it’s warm and wet.” Bottom Line.
Fair enough. So if you did manage to dominate the world, what would be your first act as world leader?
Well, I’ve already declared that any building over three floors tall must be knocked down. They’re simply too tall. When I’m up there in my tower looking all over the world trying to catch you in your bathrooms fingering your naughty bits, buildings are in the way all the time. So anything over three floors is coming down and anything up to three floors is going to be flogged mercilessly every day just to remind it whose boss. That’s the first thing. There’s a lot of other stuff after that but I haven’t got that far yet. Once we take the buildings down we can move on to section two, ‘cuz I will have had time to think it up by then...’cuz I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
So section two doesn’t exist yet?
No when you’re a being of chaos you tend to see what’s right in front of you. Maybe a couple of weeks into the future – maybe. They’re always trying to lock you into scheduling and stuff like that. After all, I am a media celebrity now. You know, I’m on Fox News - the new gig is that I’m the investigative correspondent for outer space. I’ve been named officially by Fox News and it’s a very prestigious position. Geraldo eat your heart out – and I will! I’ll literally eat his heart if I can get on the same show as him. I don’t think anyone would mind that. I think the big person that would mind it would be him. I think he minds.
So – what’s your typical daily diet?
Babies. Babies and crack. Are you going to transcribe this later or this going to go on the radio?
Transcribe.
Oh good. Then it doesn’t matter that I’m talking to you through mouthfuls of baby soup. It’s rude though, so I’ll stop. Let’s get on with it.
 Is there anything you’re afraid of?
Certainly not. That would be a colossal self-defeating admonition. I will admit though, that I am ticklish. Ticklish as hell. Scared of nothing but ticklish as fuck , in fact, that’s the only way to beat me in combat is with a feather pillow.
Should you be telling people that?
Maybe not. But you caught me unawares and I had to respond with something. I’m honest, if nothing else. Though I lie constantly, I am capable of being honest. And yes, I’m ticklish as fuck. I say it though because I know my enemies can’t destroy me, all they can do is tickle me and actually being tickled doesn’t really feel that bad. So...I can go with that.
Why have you chosen to use the medium of music to take over the world, as opposed to politics, art etc?
Well, it’s the most fun, isn’t it? I mean banging your head, it’s chemically proven, releases some kind of drug in your brain that invokes a bliss-like state. You know, it’s just one of the first things we do...I love doing it, and I just love the sound of metal. It really sounds like war more than war does sometimes and you don’t have the bombs exploding. We could blow up bombs at our show but then we wouldn’t have an audience and that wouldn’t be any fun. So we like to make the sound of exploding bombs and heavy metal is pretty much the closest thing to that.
So why then in the past did you sort of detour from metal and explore some other avenues?
Well, when we woke up we saw the human race had come so far in the man years that we had been asleep that we had to catch up with everything that you guys had done so we had to play through all your genres and styles of music before we could settle back into what Gwar was supposed to be. We didn’t know if we were going to end up a lounge band, a country western act... you know, so we had to play everything and luckily it worked out that we played metal because I think we’d be really shitty otherwise.
Because country music is boring anyway, right? (smirk)
Very boring, very boring...we didn’t like that one bit. And those big hats, simply ridiculous.
What is the most outrageous thing a fan has done for you?
Thrown cups of warm dog vomit on us. That was the worst thing they ever did. They thought they were doing something nice for us. But I like my dog vomit chilled. I saw a guy crowd surfing in a wheel chair on this tour and then he fell over the barricade and I think paralyzed what was left of him. That was pretty... well...let’s say it... hilarious! I saw at least ten to twelve eight year old kids in their own little private section by their parents soaked in blood jumping up and down and singing along with every Gwar lyric...that was another funny thing that I saw. I’ve seen bus drivers enraged going at each other with tire irons.
Is that all?
That’s it off the top of my head. I could go on. Every night’s another debauchery with this crew, I just try to get back to my coffin in one piece dragging a couple of groupies along with me, never to be seen again. I don’t know why they haven’t figured it out, all these missing people ... it’s all Gwar’s fault. We take them with us on the road, they last a few days and then we deposit them, or we consume their bodies entirely. But we don’t waste a bit, the hair is used for U-boat crews and we even pull the fillings out.
You’ve had several line-up changes over the past few years, how do you decide who gets to be in Gwar?
Trial by combat, yes, to the death – gladiatorial games. Against monsters at first, and then us. A lot of tickling – that was involved with me. They tickled me for days! Also, they have to jam like a mother fucker. That’s another requirement. Because you know, it’s hard enough playing this incredibly intricate metal while a giant dinosaur is attacking you...it throws in a new wrinkle that I don’t think those guys in Slayer have to deal with so much. You’ve got to have your chops together! I will throw this band up against any band out there and fucking tear their asses off while fighting a giant dinosaur. We’re willing to go that extra mile.
What do you do think of other shock-rock bands?
I don’t think of them, really. They don’t entertain me, that’s for sure. I see their pathetic emulation of Gwar for what it is... an attempt to somehow mimic their masters in a way that makes them lots of money and they’ve had a lot of success doing it and I applaud them for that...whoring themselves out as it were... a g-rated Gwar, it’s bound to exist. I just think it’s interesting that after 25 years Gwar is still without a doubt, without question, without an argument the masters of shock rock and always will be. You’ll see even bands as powerful as Slipknot admit that. I think that’s a very interesting little niche to inhabit in the pantheon of metal and it leads to speculation of the future if Gwar can be more relevant than they ever were 25 years after their inception, and what does the future hold for us... we really don’t know.
What about Alice Cooper?
Alice is a big supporter of Gwar and I would give him props more than anyone else. I think I would actually call him the master of Shock Rock because he’s so great. (Lights a cigarette) Now you can tell everyone that Oderus had fire near year face and didn’t burn it off – he likes you.
I’m one of the lucky ones.
Yes you are. I was instructed not to kill and devour members of the media because they’re trying to help us apparently. We’re trying to get the word out ... the word of Gwar. Now more than ever it’s important for the human race to listen to Gwar and do what we say and come to our shows and buy our records because we’re the only thing really defending this planet against a horde of super powered adversaries so even though we’re trying to destroy you, we also need your support to fight these cybernetic hordes getting ready to invade your planet actually tonight, here in wherever the fuck it is we are.
 So you’re a big fan of Calgary then? (smirk #2)
Oh, Calgary? Yes...I’m here! Love this fucking place...love this town. Huge shows here – the biggest show of the tour is tonight and we can’t wait.
Is there any aspect of the human race that you do like, apart from crack?
Oh well, apart from crack ... not really. Sleazy invented the shit, he’s got the secret on it ya know. I can’t really do it. I’ve tried to cook it many times but it always comes out muck...you can’t smoke it. So that does have a grip on us, it’s true, but it’d be a lie if I didn’t say I liked other things like all you can eat chilli buffets and pac man, you know, stuff like that...gadgetry. I’m a little behind on the learning curve. I can’t really do the interweb or the compuweb or whatever they call that shit. I’m all over it but I just break computers at an alarming rate.
What do space monsters do to relax?
We don’t. We don’t sleep, all we do is eat and devour and play shows. Every once in a while I’ll crawl back to my coffin and lay there...just staring at the fucking scratch marks on the lid.
Have you ever felt that you’ve taken things too far?
Never ever never. Even when Jonbenet Ramsey was jacking me off I felt that was an artistic moment worthy of true merit, and we got a lot of shit about it... even when Lacey Petersons corpse was up there... especially when these young women get abused by Gwar – I don’t understand what the problem is. Men and women are equally abuseable. I think it’s sexist not to kill women, honestly.
How do you come up with the ideas for your stage show?
Again, trial by arms, but usually it’s the person with the biggest sword and the loudest voice, and usually that’s me and I make decisions by myself. It’s a rude collective of very strong personalities who get in there and duke it out artistically and musically and there’s an elaborate preparation period for any Gwar album or tour that I ignore entirely and take credit for almost entirely.
Are there any other bands or musicians that you view as being inspirational?
I love Slayer, I love the human bands. That’s the biggest thing I do like about the human race. I like bands that start with the letter “B”: Black Flag, Butthole Surfers, Black Sabbath – loud obnoxious bands are great. Unfortunately it gets harder and harder to be a new sounding band because it’s all been done to death. It’s comforting to know that people are still finding new ways to play heavy metal after all these fucking years and it truly is the most consistent and longest lasting form of rock n’ roll music, I believe. It’s good to be apart of that very exclusive club. I listen to all kinds of shit. I like the bands that are opening up for us tonight. A lot of times the only bands you get to listen to are the bands you go on tour with. A lot of times when you’re in a heavy band, the last thing you want to listen to is heavy music when you’re just trying to relax, so you’ll find me listening to Gordon Lightfoot, U2, whatever. I have a rich musical pantheon that I draw upon.
Do you have any rituals or superstitions that you always go through prior to going on stage?
Jager Bombs. Yes. Jager Bombs. Battle juice, we also call it. Though, lately mudslides have been in order. We’re in a Big Lebowski stage right now with our pre-show drinking ritual. That’s about the only tradition we have. They keep rewarding people like Rob Zombie who makes remakes of sequels – ugh.
You were in Empire Records.
Well yeah, but that was like twenty fucking years ago. We were in Mystery Date as well about the same time and Hardwear. We haven’t been in a real movie in a long time, and we should be. (sobs) We should be!
You could write a book and then turn it into a movie.
Well that would actually involve doing something that’s difficult for me because I’m a drunken drug addict fool, I thought that was obvious by now. Ah! The drinks are here...Mudslide?
Instantly, all of my previous fears welled up in my stomach – panic, anxiety, fear, suspicion. Trapped, deep underground, with the most powerful Scum Dog of all offering me a drink that he himself mixed. Despite all of my misgivings, I accepted, thereby placing my fate into the hands of beings who eat babies for breakfast. But what could I do? To refuse would surely be offensive and equally as dangerous? The details thereafter are fuzzy, dear readers (Oderus makes a great mudslide), but I survived against all odds, one of the few who has... however, if you manage to find my plus one, do let me know...
- Lindsay Thomas
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